When I found out I was pregnant I was completely overjoyed. It was planned, but hadn’t been the smoothest of journeys, therefore to get the pee stick to say ‘Pregnant’ was a very exciting day. My absolute hatred for the 8 and a bit months that followed is in no way a reflection on my thoughts of ‘getting pregnant’! I think sometimes we are so utterly happy/thankful/worried what others may think that to say you are pregnant and ‘hating it’ is not the done thing (or so I found out). So, I’m putting it out there, being pregnant is pretty damn horrendous and here’s why…
1.) For the first time EVER you can eat whatever you
fancy crave and not be concerned about your bulging belly. Except you can’t because of nausea, sickness and a concern for a bulging belly in 9 months’ time!
2.) Hormones – what the hell are these things?
3.) You feel like you have a raging hangover for 9 months, minus the tequila. Joy.
4.) For 3 months you pretend to your work collegues/friends that you’re on antibiotics and therefore can’t drink. They know you’re pregnant. You know you’re pregnant. Awkward.
5.) You get constant reminders to ‘sleep as much as you can’.
6.) You can’t sleep.
7.) The itchiness on your stomach is insane.
8.) You can’t sleep for fear of crossing your legs and waking up with bulging varicose veins.
9.) You desperately want to eat pate, soft cheese, runny egg, rare steak, liver…hell, you don’t even like liver, but you want it. Denied. Unless of course you hop across the channel where Rare Steak with a large dollop of fresh mayonnaise, washed down with a large glass of red is always on the menu!
10.) You can’t sleep because of severe heartburn.
11.) You feel the need to try aqua aerobics. Once.
12.) You can’t sleep because you need to pee. Constantly.
13.) You feel elated. You feel crap. You feel elated. You feel crap. You feel elated. You feel crap.
14.) You finally get DD’s (and the rest). They also look like they’ve been inserted by a monkey via a very botched boob job.
15.) You force down glasses of ice cold water, to make sure the little one is still moving.
16.) Headache? Migraine? Hay fever? Cold? Here have some water!
17.) The most comfortable place to sit is on a ball. A ball!
18.) You tell yourself de-caffeinated tea and coffee is no different really, hey it’s not like you’re getting no sleep and need a boost.
19.) Misjudging the space between opening a door and your bump IS painful.
20.) You finally manage to get some sleep. Whoop. You’re in a work meeting. Crap.
21.) Chronic constipation is coupled with fear of going to the toilet and pushing too hard!!?
22.) Horrendous piles. (See above)
23.) Lukewarm baths.
25.) Obsessively working out how much longer you have to go and realising only 23 minutes less than the last time you checked.
26.) Googling every sign of the onset of labour relentlessly.
27.) Worry. Constant worry.
28.) Exhaustion. Bear Grylls may have survived 3 weeks in the jungle with only the shit of an elephant to live on, but has he grown a human being? Nope. Get over yourself.
29.) Pain in your back, hips, thighs, feet, legs, stomach, head, shoulders, backside…. your partners backside!!!
Well, at least now you can finally get some sleep..oh, hang on!??
Rest assured, apparently in time we forget just how tough it was and if not, and you’re planning to do it all over again, I guess you could always move to France!
C’est La Vie (Quite literally)